The Spoon of Destiny

Forged in the fiyars of Mount Awesome,
in the beginning there were 10.
5 were given to the Metatron and his Arch-Angels,
to carve out the planes of existence.
3 were given to the Grecian Gods,
to sup upon their ambrosia.
2 were lost,
one to the all encompassing chaos
and the other swallowed by the third draw down.
And one was left on Earth,
left hidden until such time as it was needed.

I was digging through the cutlery drawer at work last week, making my ritual tea before facing a day in the office, when it happened. Its perfect weight slipped into my hand like any other, and suddenly some fuck-tard cranked up the goddamn Enya music. There was light everywhere and I squinted around, looking for a choir singer to slap. A strange tingling sensation was creeping up my arm. "What the hell is this?" I thought "I feel lighter, stronger, faster... slightly less hungover. Can it be? It IS!!! I have found the Spoon of Destiny!!!" (Enya paused for a dramatic Da da daaaaaahh!!!)

As the light dimmed I saw that my surroundings were different. They hadn't changed. I was still in the drab little kitchenette, but it was as if I had been staring at the candlestick when suddenly the talking heads snapped into focus. My perceptions had shifted. I could now really see what was around me. All 40 ninjas!!!

We stared at each other for a moment then the lead ninja stepped forward and gestured. He wanted the Spoon. He did not need to say "or you die" because it was pretty obvious he would have said "and you die". The air quivered with their murderous intent. I stretched the Spoon out towards his hand, thinking this my only chance, but at the last instant I added a small flourish to sayonara the Spoon from my life. A simple flick of the wrist... Clang! A still spinning shuriken deflected from the Spoon and into the leaders eye. He fell dead instantly. The ninjas stared at me. Then leapt.

"Aw crap" were not in fact my last words, but I felt they would be at the time.

The Spoon completely failed to take over my body and dance death like you've never seen. Great spurts of light, as if from lasers with the word 'UBER' printed on them did not blast great holes in chests or incinerate my opponents. A defensive shield, like a perspex dome, sprang from the floor to protect me... no wait. It didn't. Nope. I was alone.

I had nothing to lose. I attacked.

My first blow with the Spoon struck near the base of a ninjas sword as he swiped at my legs. This deflected his swing much further than it should and his blade swept under my outstretched foot to take off his brothers leg mid-calf. The second random swing connected with a stab aimed at my torso and the blade slipped past to bury itself in the chest of another about to lop off my head. Another overbalanced a black assailant into the path of a vicious swipe that would have opened me shoulder to hip. I whirled and spun and fought just like you'd expect an unfit computer geek to fight. Flailing wilding with no skill whatsoever. But despite nonexistent style the Spoon always connected. No direct hits you understand. It was a spoon and their swords would have smashed it. But the Spoon seemed to have more mass than was possible, it was light yet its momentum carried it further than it should.

This continued for a time and the bodies mounted around me. I was standing in a circular firing squad letting their bullets rip by me. The Spoon was always in exactly the correct position, no matter how madly I danced. More than half were down when they finally withdrew. I carefully climbed out of the cairn of bodies. They stared at me, then the Spoon, then back to me. I took a step. In unison they threw smoke bombs at the ground and vanished.

I put the Spoon back in its draw. Its time had not come but I would know where to look when it did...