Car Crash on Memory Lane

Decade nostalgia is something we are all familiar with, even if you're a younger genY and know it only as 'nostalgia' because you haven't been alive long enough to earn the honorary 'decade'. Have you noticed that it always seems to gravitate to what was on the television? Rarely has anyone brought up the Ninja Turtle playing card Plague of '92, the Great Marble Crisis of '93 or the Yo-yo Epidemic of '95. Probably because you had to be there. "I collected alot of marbles and this one time I beat this guy with a really tricky shot using my favorite cats-eye" does not a gripping tale make.

Over the past few years I've occasionally revisited my childhood sandy-eyed morning TV haunts via the internet or the dodgy (read: holy) Chinese video store down the road. I was shocked to discover that some of these monuments to a bygone age, these pillars of creation, have succumbed to the ravages of time. They have been eroded away to mere shadows of the monoliths in my memory. It was a sad, sad realisation.

But I took solace when I found there were still others that could pick up my shriveled soul, melt it down, cast it into a tuning fork, then smite it with a mountain.

Case in point. He-Man. If you can watch this clip without a shiver running down your spine then you need read no further- you are not welcome here. Most of the clip is pretty mundane but when he shouts (ahem) "I have the power" the echoes do something to my inner ear. A sympathetic roar sounds in my own head. It's beastial in its intensity. Like a lion screaming a challenge. And it... is... awesome...

One thing I didn't remember though, was that He-Man had a moral at the end of each episode. These were generally lame, though they did seem to send conflicting messages on occasion. Might is Right (where you have the right to do anything because you've got all the might) is apparently not the paradigm to live your life by... but He-Man was the mightiest mofo out there and he did whatever he wanted? Whatever. I could have turned it off after the intro and still walked away with a happy-ending stagger.

Another show that tried to indoctri...teach our generation was Astro Boy. Astro is almost universally loved by everyone my age that I've ever met. I loved Astro. He had lasers (in his fingers and butt???) and rocket boots and for some reason he couldn't do anything fun with his clothes on¹. He was great. So it breaks my heart to say this but, I'm sorry buddy, you belong to the past. In the cold hard light of my twenties I see Astro as the whiniest whiner to ever whine his way across a small screen. Everything about the show was great except his kicked-puppy voice and his sulky emo attitude. I wanted to grab him and shout You can fly dude! Existential dilemmas can go get donkey-buggered!

Of course if we're talking about robots then the Transformers must get a mention. Say what you like about the 2007 movie, it would not have worked without Peter Cullen. Digital effects- seen 'em. Action sequences- meh. Bumbling but likable sidekick kid- please. The whole 144 minute experience hinged on these 19 seconds², a simple tip of the hat in our direction. Optimus remembers us.

The 2007 mutant children of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles didn't. Which is probably why their DVD is being used as a coaster the world over. The first Turtles movie was one of my all-times as a kid and then poor market research into target audience led to the monstrosity that was TMNT. So you too, my renaissance painter friends, belong in the past. But in a good way. It is better that you aren't here to see your bastard children face-planting the box office.

Another set of anthropomorphic animals whose sole purpose was to kick-ass were the ThunderCats. They were continually picking fights with this rather sick looking old guy named Mumm-ra, who'd obviously been in a horrible industrial accident involving fire. Not that sporting really, when they all looked like Greek gods.
The lead character, Liono, accidentally went through an instant aging process so he was really a boy trapped in a mans body (I missed the irony at the time) and he had this cool sword that had an eye in it³, and it was the source of his power, and it got bigger when he played with it, and he didn't even go blind once! Thanks Thundercats for your valuable life lessons. I dropped by these guys a while ago and aside from the incredibly annoying Snarf character (the token cowardly gimp) the show holds up pretty well. I didn't get that far though so will have to go back to see how they're doing.

In hindsight, I now see that Robotech and Astro were my first forays into Japanese animation aka 'anime'. A recent viewing reminded me that there was one theme that the Japanese boldly dealt with while others feared to tread- relationships between boys and girls. And also, how incredibly frustrating said relationships could be. Rick Hunter (pictured) may as well have been named Johnny Kickass for how much he busts his ass every episode, flying around pwning the alien menace, protecting life as we (will) know it, rescue missions and dog-fights. And after working up a hard earned thirst does he get to kick up his feet and relax with his woman? Does he get any love for his efforts? I mean anything? Hell No! And this was also a valuable lesson. Even a guy who saves the world daily suffers from mixed-signals. Even he can end up in the friend-zone! Unless he acts. But Rick is too much of a gentleman (read: loser). And it doesn't help that he is 'seeing' the biggest tease ever, who views him as a brother. Rick mate, build a bridge, get over it, burn it to the water line. Problem solved. The action scenes were pretty cool though so definitely worth a look if you're in the neighborhood.

This one'll test you. Does anyone remember the Mysterious Cities of Gold? A group of kids explored the new world looking for El Dorado? They had a a cool ship that sailed itself and then ditched it when they found this pimpin' golden condor to fly around? Anyone? Anyone? This one sucked me right back in and I watched it all the way through to the end... where everything got weird. The plot was a reasonably straight forward set of exploration, meet new friends, run away from bad guys, cut-and-paste any kids show here kinda deal. All until the last 4 or 5 episodes when they (warning: spoiler) found the city of gold (end spoiler) and then had to fight off aliens who were going to destroy the world!!! Bet you didn't see that one coming.

Lastly, Monkey. Is there anything I can say about Monkey that you don't already know? No? Sucks to be you then cause I'm saying it anyway. Monkey was such a manly (monkey) man that he started life without the aid of a mother, he wasn't born, he was hatched... from a rock! On his quest to right the wrongs of the world (via busting heads) he outfoxed demons⁴, faced down the armies of Heaven⁴, rescued his mates⁴ and all while babysitting a completely trousers priest ^{(and God how I wish)4}. What attracted us most to Monkey was his winning personality which was a combination of amiable idiot, indominable spirit and a barrel sized can of Whoop-Ass. So what if his shows were repetitive? So what if the dubbing was some pretty seriously stereotyped Engrish? So what if he never actually reached India? I point out one of the shows own great-sage fortune-cookie morals: "Happiness is a way of travel, not a destination". And Monkey would be welcome on my trip any time.


¹ Because he was a genius
² For anyone who remembers the original movie anyway
³ The Eye of Thundera
⁴ Then kicked the sh1t out of them